The Mindful Manager: Fundamental Attribution Error
The problem with labeling behaviors during conflict and how to reset with curiousity and compassion
Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE) is the idea that we attribute actions to character/personality in others (ie: “fundamental attribute”) whereas we attribute those same actions to situational factors when we do the same thing! It’s one of the many cognitive biases/heuristics we’ve evolved to make quick judgments for survival. Efficient, but not always correct.
Let’s take the common example of lateness for a meeting or lunch. If the other person is late, we can draw conclusions like “This person doesn’t respect my time or value our relationship” or “This person is bad at managing their time”.
Yet when we’re the ones who are late, we point to one-time, situational factors like “There was traffic today” or “My child needed to use the bathroom just as we were heading out the door.”
The problem escalates when we label the person (and attribute behaviors to character/identity) or use universals like “always” and “never” to describe the behavior. A few examples from real-life recently:
Being late → “You’re inconsiderate!” or “You’re always late!”
Drawing a different conclusion or holding a different belief → “You’re delusional!”
Misplaced item → “You stole from me!” or “I can’t ever trust you to put things back!”
The problem with identity attacks is that the person on the receiving end feels defensive (and rightly so!) and to protect their ego and themselves, fires back with another identity attack (sometimes on topic or not).
“Well, if I’m inconsiderate, remember that time you were inconsiderate?”
“I’m delusional? You’re an idiot!”
“You’re never on my side. You’re always blaming things on me.”
Before you know it, you’re rehashing something that happened 10+ years ago or deep in a fight that seems impossible to recover from.
Sound familiar? I’m pretty sure we’ve all experienced conflict like this.
A key reason conflicts escalate is because instead of focusing on the specific behavior (naming it, its impact, and what you want going forward), one or both people in the conflict make it personal, pervasive and permanent by turning it into an identity issue.
So what’s the antidote? How do we recover?
The challenge is that when we’re enraged, our stress system is activated and our field of vision can literally narrow, as well as our ability to generate creative alternatives. So if you’re deep in the red zone of emotion (ie: beyond rational), the first step is to hold compassion for yourself (you are frustrated!) and attend to regulating your own emotions.
Then, when you’re calm, the next step is to create curiosity. In my class, drawing from the world of improv, I ask students to think of the wildest, craziest explanation for a behavior. Some hilarious examples:
“This person is late because on their way here, a clown car stopped in the middle of the street and 18 people poured out of the car, holding up traffic.”
“My sister was late because her toddler had an explosive diaper that required 20+ wipes and a clothing change for herself and her toddler.” (sometimes the truth is worse than fiction”
Usually, these stories make us laugh - and remember that there are alternate situational factors that can be contributing!
Obviously, if there’s a pattern of 3+ data points on a behavior, you can make observations about a pattern: “I notice that the last few times we’ve met up, we’ve consistently started later than planned. I’ve found myself questioning whether this is important to you. I was wondering if there’s a time or day of the week that works better for you?”
Here’s a set of questions to help you if you’re already at the permanent/personal/pervasive stage and needing to reset:
Permanent → Can I remember that people can change as I have changed? Is there something I used to do that I’ve stopped doing?
Pervasive → Can I see that this person behaves differently in other situations? Can I find a counter example to this one?
Personal → Are there situational factors I can think of?
Ultimately, cultivating a curious mindset with compassion & common humanity at the center is central to your emotional self-regulation AND how you show up to others in your life.
Can I hold my own feelings of frustration and anger AND remember the human in front of me is also going through their own thing?