M4 & M5 2023 | Reflections & "Can I vs Must I"
NY & DC trip recap; How to avoid thinking like a conspiracy theorist
In April, I finished the first draft of my book outline! And then embarked on 4 weeks of nonstop travel: 10+ days in NYC, Philadelphia for 6 hours, DC for 5+ days and hosting out-of-town guests for 16+ days all over the SF Bay Area! (More on that below). So, June has been spent regrounding myself and re-establishing rhythms of rest and reflection and intentionally making more space to write/read as I see the end of sabbatical approaching.
(Quick aside: I realized I was ready to end sabbatical as I found myself intellectually restless and seeking out table top strategy boardgames, which I LOVED in my twenties and stopped playing in my early thirties as business school/career allowed me to use the same “mental muscles” in real life).
Things I’ve launched
90 min workshop for a DEI consulting firm, teaching Enterprise Sales best practices & facilitating a discussion for their leadership team
60 min workshop on “The Mindful Manager” for Stanford’s Impact Labs
Being on a panel and moderating a discussion on identity and authenticity at work for leaders of color (LinkedIn post about the most inspiring story I heard)
Things I’m working on
Teaching | I’m delighted to share that I was invited back to teach “The Mindful Manager curriculum for Stanford’s Continuing Studies Program in the fall - and I’ll be teaching on campus for 5 weeks! I’ve also submitted a second course on mastering feedback and goal-setting for teams for Winter 2024 (contingent on whether it’ll be accepted!)
Job Search | I’ve started the search for a full-time role and I’m in process in a few conversations.
Writing | Largely the book proposal, but also a few more pieces!
Things I’m thinking about
“Can I vs Must I”
Last week, I read an exceptional book on cognition, psychology, neuroscience and morality, called, “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion” by Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist. I’m still unpacking everything I learned; it was such a rich book.
In an early chapter on politics, he looks at the research of social psychologist, Tom Gilovich, who looks at the cognitive mechanisms of strange beliefs, like UFO abductions, “quack medical treatments”, or conspiracy theories. You (like me) may be wondering how rational people can believe things that you (also a rational person) believe to be untrue. Here’s his explanation:
“His [Gilovich] simple formulation is that when we want to believe something, we ask ourselves, ‘Can I believe it?’ Then…we search for supporting evidence, and if we find even a single piece of pseudo-evidence, we can stop thinking. We now have permission to believe. We have a justification, in case anyone asks.
In contrast, when we don’t want to believe something, we ask ourselves, ‘Must I believe it?” Then we search for contrary evidence, and if we find a single reason to doubt the claim, we can dismiss it. You only need one key to unlock the handcuffs of must.” (Haidt p98)
You may be thinking, “Cool, but I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, so I don't do this.”
But we DO use this “single-piece justification”.
All the time.
We default to “quick” decisions based on heuristics because we don’t have time, because our brains have evolved to form shortcuts to conserve energy, and we’re generally not aware of these biases and unconscious beliefs that are motivating and underlying our thoughts, unless we’re really intentional. (There’s a larger point here that is the main thesis of Jonathan Haidt’s book, which is that we intuit first, and THEN we rationalize/justify after.)
A real life example: When our unconscious beliefs shape our reasoning
I was speaking to a friend recently and suggested they take on a new business role/opportunity -
What was interesting was the contrast in our reactions to this proposal, which exactly exemplified the self-interest in our reasoning:
Because I want to believe this person can do this (I proposed it!), I asked, “Can they do it?” and very quickly found 3+ reasons they could (and the only reason I could find not to was limitations on their time.)
Their response: “I’m not qualified enough - surely there are more qualified people.”
Here’s the incredible irony: They went to a top-tier undergrad, top-tier business school, spent over a decade at an internationally renown top 5 consulting firm, and (by my estimation and others) is killing it at their current venture(s) as a founder/CEO.
There is very little that they’re not qualified for (or capable to tackle) in the business world.
Yet their own insecurity and impostor syndrome (which they self-identified later) said “I’m not good enough” which led them to ask themselves “Must I believe it?” which takes the form of, “Can I find one reason not to believe this?”
And because they didn’t want to, they found a reason not to.
A personal note. Or “the power of external perspective to see ourselves more clearly”
I have a little note to myself, on my phone, of kind things people have said to me, about me.
You may be wondering why I have or need this and it’s because my internal voice (like my friend’s) is harsh. For evolutionary, cultural and social reasons, my default narrative is “I’m not good enough.”
So when I’m feeling bad about myself, I ask “Can I find a reason to believe I’m bad?” And usually, I CAN find one thing! (It could be dumb; it could be legitimate.)
But my friends don’t do this.
They’re not even ASKING that question AND in fact, they’re asking the question, “Can I find a reason to believe Tiffany is good?” And the list, thankfully, is long.
So this note is what I go to for evidence for myself as I’ve learned to retrain or force myself to also ask the question, “Can I find evidence that I am good?”
My friend’s first (instinctual) reaction was “I’m not good enough to do this” which led to, “Can I find a reason to confirm that I’m not good enough” but as their friend, I’m able to ask “Can I find evidence to confirm that you are good enough for this?”
This is one of the reasons I’m such a proponent of coaching and therapy: we need people in our life who can hold space for our best selves when we can’t or we’ve lost sight of who we are in our totality.
If we’re lucky, we have friends/peers who can do this, but the older we get, the greater the demands on our friends from their parents, their children and their partners. If you’re lucky, you have a partner who can hold space for you and remind you of who you are in full - and, sometimes, they don’t have the energy to do that on top of everything else.
One caveat: When getting feedback from others, it’s important to ask yourself, “Does the person in front of me have enough information or exposure to make an informed recommendation or assessment?” If not, who does? And you’ll want to get feedback from someone who does have sufficient perspective.
Exploratory vs confirmatory thought
This “Can-I-Must-I” paradigm is also an example of confirmatory thought, where we look for evidence that confirms our pre-existing belief or initial inclination. We do this more as we age, when we’re under time pressure or stress, and when there’s increased risk if we’re wrong. (So, everyone in middle or senior management…)
The opposite is exploratory thought, which we genuinely ask a question, without constraints, and seek out several possible solutions. In the world of business, this is sometimes referred to as “blue-sky thinking” or “lateral thinking” or “outside of the box” thinking, which is critical when tackling complex or new problems or old problems in a new context.
I’ve seen businesses try to address this confirmation bias (and the phenomenon of groupthink) using several techniques: “red team/blue team” where you ask another team to come up with the OPPOSITE of what you’re trying to do; asking someone to play the “Devil’s advocate” (which has interesting origins in the Catholic canonization process for sainthood) or the “10th man rule” which popularized by the book & movie, “World War Z” where if 9 people agree, the 10th person is tasked with disagreeing and forming a counter narrative (which is based on a division in the Israeli military)
Final thought: I saw a meme today that said, “The human brain evolved to keep you alive, not to make you happy” or something to that effect.
So this week, if you find yourself in a negative spiral, ask yourself: “What evidence do I have that this thought is true?”
On New York City & Washington, D.C.
TLDR: NY and DC were vibrant with events, nightlife and culture, which I largely attribute to the major industries in each city (finance and government, respectively) asking people to come back to the office. Foot traffic and commuters make cities come alive.
SF hasn’t yet pulled people back to the office, so while the SF neighborhoods west of Divisadero are lively, Union Square, Market and the Financial District are still a shell of their former selves. And, there are macro-economic conditions at play, so WFH isn’t wholly to blame. (The high interest rate environment impacts startup funding, etc).
NYC Highlights
Food & Drink
Shows
Jodie Comer in Prima Facie | It’s a one-woman show and it’s incredibly brave to jump from being a TV actress (where you can do multiple takes) to captivating an audience live for 90 minutes. She was phenomenal. I cried.
Ben Platt & Micaela Diamond in Parade | A timely reminder that not so long ago, being Jewish was enough to get you accused of a murder you didn’t commit. Ben Platt is incredibly talented vocally (and so is Micaela), but it’s Micaela’s nuanced performance and evolution over the two acts that steals the show.
Museums
Morgan Library & Museum | JP Morgan’s original library, it’s now much more: new artist collections, event space and an architecturally beautiful space.
LGDR Gallery “Rear View” | I literally read this NYTimes piece in the morning and went later that day. It’s fun to discover smaller boutique galleries! The Rear View exhibit is closed but excited to check out LGDR on my next NY trip!
DC Highlights
Food | Sura Restaurant was some of the MOST delicious Thai food I’ve had in my life. My guess is it’s more Northern Thai flavors, but given I was there with someone who lived in Thailand and raved about the food; it’s freaking good.
Fun | Celebrating my friend’s 50th birthday by doing scottish reels!
Fascinating | PeaceCon was incredible and I need to write a whole essay about it!